Is it wise to press the panic button when minor cracks appear in relationships without even sparing a thought about the reasons that led to the crisis and mulling over ways to find a rapprochement?
Experts may answer in the negative, but people tend to show judgemental error when they find themselves in a difficult situation that may have begun with a minor blame game between partners. Things usually go out of hand when overwhelming emotions trump common-sense, which eventually turn the situation into a mudslinging match. By that time, the crisis may have entered a point of no return, as happened in Jihan Al Raisi's (name changed) life.
Jihan was just 22 when she got married to a dashing young man in his 30s, almost a year ago. Both of them continued in their professions efficiently after marriage, and social circles hailed them as a perfect made-for-each-other couple. A sudden twist in the tale occurred recently when a string of unhealthy arguments threatened to rock their life. Jihan blamed her spouse for his excessive commitment to work. "He always spent more time in office, so I felt lonely at home," she complained.
Unable to cope with the allegation, Jihan's husband began to immerse fully in his work. He ignored Jihan and didn't even attend her birthday party, and soon their relationship began coming apart. But he argued his case vehemently. "I have to spend extra hours in office to excel in my new role as manager," he asserted. Even as arguments flew thick and fast, the couple managed to sit across the table to iron out their differences.
Counsellors say every relationship has its own ups and downs as men and women often fight to score brownie points over their partners that sows the seeds of misunderstanding between them. Though plenty of families have been affected very few people, like Ghaida Al Lawati, dares to discuss the sensitive subject. A management graduate and an employee with the Information Technology Authority, Ghaida recently conducted a workshop to inform people about the ways to deal with conflicts.
Common issues
The workshop examined common issues that affect relationships between men and women (husband and wife, male and female colleagues, etc.), even though the participants felt it was difficult to generalise the issues in Oman since each individual (or each family) faces unique problems.
Participants, however, believe that the inability of men to strike a work-family balance put many relationships in trouble. "Men spend extra hours and energy in their profession, and tend to ignore their families. I am not questioning their eagerness to excel in their profession, but it should not be done at the expense of the family," commented a participant of the workshop who did not want to be named.
Ghaida, however, believes it is not a worrying factor because men equate their identity with their careers. "Men are more career-oriented than women. They spend more time in office and it may prompt women to accuse them of ignoring the family and children. But, the family comes first for women, even those who are working," she says.
Addiction to technology and financial imprudence are the other major issues. "Face to face communication becomes impossible in the digital world and it affects relationships. Partners are also hooked on social networking platforms during leisure time. Studies have revealed that men are more addicted to technology than women," observes Ghaida.
"Omani men do not like to talk about their financial situation (with their spouses), and it causes mistrust in the relationship. Men feel that they are in control of the situation and have to provide good living standards for their families. They never open up if they face any financial issues because it hurts their pride," she asserted.
Though the conflicts affect both the genders equally, Ghaida says women express their emotions out in the open while men prefer to hide their emotions and want to solve problems on their own. In contrast, women break down when they encounter issues, she explained.
Divorce cases
The issues in relationships have been cited as the prime reason for the increasing number of divorce cases in the country. According to the data released by the National Centre for Statistics and Information, 3,550 couples have got separated in 2013 alone. Though the number is a little less than the previous year (3,570 cases in in 2012) experts are worried about the alarming rate.
"Ruptures in relationships does have a resonance in society. Many splits could have been avoided if the partners understand the psychological differences between them and understand the behavioural patterns," believes Ghaida.
Behavioural differences
The workshop stressed that there exist huge behavioural differences between men and women. And it begins with expressing themselves in front of their partners. Women normally prefer to talk at length while men are considered to talk directly with their partners with outbeating around the bush. Almost all men possess the skill to express themselves in a direct way, the participants observed.
The biggest advantage of women lies in their ability to multi-task, while a majority of men are incapable of managing many things at a time. If women insist that men should talk more and multi-task, it can result in conflicts. "Issues in relationships can be reduced if women understand the nature and psychology of their partners," adds Ghaida.
It was an eye-opener for many women when Ghaida said that men and women could be broadly put into three different categories. There are fathers, adults and children among men, and there are mothers, adults and children among women. "Men who fall under the 'Fathers' category are caring, while 'Adults' are like friends. Those in the 'Childrens' category would demand more from their partners. The women in the 'Mothers' category also care for their partners," explains Ghaida.
She also said categorisation does help people pick their life partners. "It is better for a man who comes under 'Fathers' category choose his partner who falls in the 'Childrens' section. 'Adults' can find a good match from 'Adults', while those in the 'Childrens' category should ideally pick a partner from the 'Mothers' category."
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